The Dinomancers Dance

This week, Ng Yi-Sheng documents the testimonies of Dinomancy practitioners, as that practice evolves before our very eyes. ~ Julian and Fran, June 23, 2024.

This month’s stories are by authors Kelly Robson, Laura Anne Gilman, Meg Elison, and Ng Yi-Sheng. The first story of the month is free to read, but it’s our paying subscribers who allow us to keep publishing great stories week after week.

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The Dinomancers Dance

by Ng Yi-Sheng

Mercutio Herman, psychic

☿

Yeah, so what I do is, I hold séances for people to contact their favorite dinosaurs.

Crazy job, huh? But somebody’s gotta do it.

Started out during lockdown. Everyone wanted comfort, security, something face-to-face that wasn’t face-to-face, know what I mean? So I was getting mad money doing Zoom calls—half the time, I could just Google my way into clairvoyance—but a month into the pandemic, the market was getting saturated, so I had to rizz myself up, right, get myself a gimmick.

In the end, I got the idea from these SJWs on TikTok. They were yelling at me for doing virtual I Ching and long-distance smudging, and I figured, if this whole cultural appropriation thing’s off-limits, maybe I gotta dig into some culture too old, too ancient, for anyone to call me out.

So I invented my own zodiac. Take a look:

Aries, the Allosaurus (March 21–April 19)

Taurus, the Brontosaurus (April 20–May 20)

Gemini, the Diplodocus (May 21–June 20)

Cancer, the Stegosaurus (June 21–July 22)

Leo, the Tyrannosaurus Rex (July 23–August 22)

Virgo, the Archaeopteryx (August 23–September 22)

Libra, the Pterodactyl (September 23–October 22)

Scorpio, the Velociraptor (October 23–November 21)

Sagittarius, the Parasaurolophus (November 22–December 21)

Capricorn, the Triceratops (December 22–January 19)

Aquarius, the Plesiosaurus (January 20–February 18)

Pisces, the Ichthyosaurus (February 19–March 20)

Yeah, yeah, I know. Whole lotta those aren’t technically dinosaurs, since the clade Dinosauria only applies to terrestrial archosaurs with this one specific arm and hip bone configuration. And don’t even start on the whole birds and feathers shit! I’ve heard it all. Luckily, most folks who’re into crystal healing aren’t that picky about scientific taxonomy, know what I mean? As long as there’s dinosaur vibes, we’re cool.

Anyways, my little scheme took off. Some of my clients got really into it. They latched on to their new sun signs, moon signs, ascendants, like they were long-lost friends from grade school. And they weren’t satisfied with just the twelve signs I’d picked—they had me pulling up these dusty-ass scientific journals to triangulate species and subspecies, advising them on which paleo artists and which natural history museums they oughta check out, to best visualize their inner dino selves.

Trouble started when one of my regulars—I won’t say her name, but she was a Leo Sun with Scorpio Moon with Pisces Rising, and you know what those Bs are like—well, she developed this fixation with the Megalosaurus bucklandii specimen at Oxford University. That was the first dino to be scientifically classified, y’know—back in the 1600s, they thought it was the bones of a Roman war elephant or an Arthurian giant—so she saw him as this guiding light of humanity, this herald, this prophet. And a martyr, I guess, ’cause he was dead?

So she asked for a consultation. She paid good, and her schedule worked with mine. So I figured, why not? I lowered the lights, lit me some aromatherapy candles, and asked if there were any spirits of the Mesozoic who wished to speak.

I didn’t know what I know now, y’know? I swear, when my eyes started to roll back in my head, when my skull and my teeth grew too long and sharp for my mouth . . . I still thought it was all me and my phenomenal skills of bullshittery.

I wasn’t scared. I was too dumb to be scared.